Okay, I know this sounds bad- but I need you guys to listen to me! I know right about now you are wanting to scream your heads off at me, and for a good reason, but I just need maybe 5 minutes to explain. Okay? Okay.
It all started last night, I was up late texting Jeremy, Sarah, and Timothy, you guys know how much we’ve been wanting to have a group costume for the Halloween dance- so, anyway, last night we finally decided to all go as the band members of Kiss, instead of the Mario Kart characters… big mistake.
Fast forward to this morning I woke up extra early to get ready, you know with the wig, makeup, and the costume. I was so excited and ready to find my friends at school and have a great day showing off all of our efforts to everyone. But, of course, that’s not what happened, or else I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
What had happened was right as I was making my way to school in my car, I realized that I needed to deposit some cash for the week so I decided to just make a quick stop at the bank, I thought it was going to look weird as I was still in my costume but I quickly dismissed the thought, as I could always explain to the employee why I was in such a fashion.
So, there I was, walking in the bank, I may have gotten one or two strange looks but I didn’t think much of it. I began talking to the lady in the front and saw the looks she was giving me, so I decided to put her at ease, I told her, that it was just a costume for a party that night. The transaction, I thought, was going well, but apparently, she had thought I was there to rob a bank and had contacted the police reporting her suspicion that there was a serious robbery occurring.
Before I knew it, about 10 police officers were right behind me in the building all pointing guns at me and screaming out orders, I was so scared, so I just put my hands up slowly as they had told me. Right then and there they arrested me, all I could think about in that moment was: I am so screwed, I’m going to miss my science exam!
I got brought down to the station, this was probably when you guys were called, anyways, I told them my side of the story, it took them a while to check everything out and said I was free to leave. That’s when you both came to pick me up ready to yell… and here we are.
So, mom, dad can I still go to the dance tonight?
Citations
Greenville Daily News. “Follow Huntington Bank Robbery.” Flickr, 9 Nov. 2011, www.flickr.com/photos/greenvilledailynews/6331388277.
June 20, 2018 at 7:40 am
Hi Natalie,
I loved your piece! It was very creative in that you took a fairly simple topic and twisted it in your own way and made it into a masterpiece!! The first sentence is brilliant as that is what lured me in to read your post. Often times the whole traveling back in time thing can get confusing; however, you crafted it beautifully and gradually brought it back to the present time, perfectly done!!
As for improvements all I have to suggest is to stay in the moment for a moment longer. Use a little bit more time to explain what’s going on in that particular scene, perhaps try adding more detail and action. This way you can make your piece even more exciting and amazing!
Once again thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your brilliancy and keep on writing!
Sincerely,
Hefseeba
June 20, 2018 at 8:50 pm
Dear Natalie
This is the first piece of your writing I have read and let me say you are an amazing writer. You are able to clearly express your thoughts and I thought your storyline was pretty funny. At first, I didn’t see the relevance of the character going to the bank and the people staring at her and it made me laugh!
For improvements, I think you should have added some quotations to begin and end your piece. Also, I think you should italicise this line “Fast forward to this morning I woke up extra early to get ready,” and also add a comma after morning. But if this was intentional, you may disregard my suggestion.
All in all, you have done an amazing job on your story and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
Love, Sarah Omar<3
June 23, 2018 at 8:02 pm
Dear lovely Natalie,
I love seeing you do new things and playing with different concepts. You have truly grown from the beginning of this course. I love this concept and the mention of the Mario costumes — real life influence? I think the line, “I am so screwed, I’m going to miss my science exam!” was so funny. This comedic approach was so cool and fun!
To improve, I would suggest using different sentence structures to really give off the different tones of the piece. Like try being choppier when you describe the moment the police came in as though you were reliving a really frightening moment.
I am happy I got to see you grow!
Love,
Nimrat